Despite the fact that Jason and I have been living in chaos the past 17 days, I have to admit that I’m grateful my mom and grandmother came to help us out for 10 of those days. Sure, there were times when Jason and I would get really frustrated by them but in the end, I’m pretty glad they were here.

The past 10 days, I have been well fed and my mom and grandmother kept me company for the most part when Jason was at work. Of course now that they are gone, I’m going to miss having someone else around the house when Jason is working and I’m still not sure I can handle it at home with just me and Ellie….but I think I’ll have to get use to it. At least the visit from my grandmother and mom helped me get use to having Ellie around all the time. I may not know how to care for her every time she cries but at least I have a few basic ideas.

I’m still quite amused by how much some of the things about Japan that we’ve gotten use to can drive both my mom and grandmother crazy. I know for sure that the whole trash separation thing still frustrates them. They are also astonished by how expensive it is to buy groceries here, though I guess the same can be said for Jason and me whenever we go home and see just how cheap food is.

It was an interesting visit and I’m glad they came and got to help out a bit. Plus, I’m glad they got to see Ellie. I’m pretty sure she won’t remember them but at least they have lots of cute pictures of her.

Btw, I look so tired in that photo with my mom, grandmother and Ellie. Yea, we had just returned from the US Embassy and the night before (as with all the nights since her birth), I didn’t get much sleep. Also, man did I put on the baby weight….though I guess I did good since I only put on 35 pounds during the entire pregnancy….and 10 of those pounds went away after I gave birth….which means another 25 and I should be back to my pre-baby weight….but weight issues isn’t my main concern these days. I just need to make sure Ellie puts on weight and continues to grow healthy.

I just need to hang in there a little longer. Every mom I know in Tokyo keeps telling me it will get better, that time flies by really quickly and that they all grow up so quickly. I just hope I can make it through this rough patch with my sanity intact.

After a long week of worrying whether Ellie is getting enough breastmilk from me, Jason and I decided to take her to a pediatrician to have her checked out.

Yea, the breastfeeding thing is really hard and it’s been really hard on me since I just can’t for the life of me produce enough milk for her. It’s one of those things you never thought you would have to worry about but I guess everything that happens to us happens for a reason.

Anyway, I digress…today, Jason and I decided to take Ellie to see the doctor and to make sure she is gaining weight and growing. Because the pediatrician office hours are M-W, F from 9:00-12:30 and 2:30-6:00 and Jason is on day shift right now, we had to go there separately and meet up at the doctor’s office after Jason got off work.

It’s quite a frightening experience for a first time mother to go out into the world with a newborn by herself. I’ve never packed a diaper bag before, so I wasn’t sure what I should bring. Now, I know I should always have a plastic bag handy to hold those dirty diapers…..

We didn’t take public transportation since it was around the time when lots of people are getting off work and I don’t feel comfortable being in an enclosed space with lots of other people. The entire taxi ride, I hoped and prayed that Ellie would stay asleep in the sling I had her in. As soon as she made a peep, I stuck my pinky in her mouth to sooth her.

Then when we were at the doctor’s office waiting room, she started to act up a little because she was hungry. Good thing Jason got there around that time because I had to breastfeed her outside of the privacy of our own home. The sling I bought to carry her in had a tail end that I could use as a cover for when I breastfeed in public. It was a good thing I had one of those special breastfeeding tops too. It’s a very strange feeling busting out my breasts in public to feed her….I’m still not too comfortable about this public breastfeeding thing but I guess if I plan to exclusively breastfeed her and not use a bottle at all, then I have to get use to it.

The doctor’s visit was pretty good. It’s our first visit with this pediatrician since we don’t want to continue using the one the hospital assigned us and are trying out the ones that have been recommended by other mother’s in the foreign community. Dr. Endo is pretty nice and very friendly and he reassured us that Ellie is healthy and has grown. It’s always good to hear that she is doing good. I thought that once I gave birth, I don’t have to worry as much but I was very wrong….

So yea, things seem to be fine with Ellie and so we will continue as we have and hope that things continue to get better.

For now, I’m just going to refrain from going out with her alone for a while until she gets a little bigger and I get a little more confident about taking her out on my own.

March 15th…

Today should have been the official due date for Ellie. It’s weird for some reason that she was born on a different day.

*sigh* So tired these days…..mainly because Ellie and I are struggling with breastfeeding. It’s not as easy as you would think it is but we’re working hard to make it work for the both of us.

I still can’t believe it’s almost 2 weeks since she was born…time is kinda mushed together into one big lump. I don’t even really remember sleeping anymore since I have to wake up frequently to feed her. Poor Jason too…he hasn’t been sleeping much either but he still seems more genki than me.

It’s been a really rough start for us but I think we’ll be ok. It seems to be a trend for us anyway. When we first arrived here, we struggled and now we are doing fine. When we first found out we were going to have Ellie, we struggled and now she is here. So it’s just a trend…

One thing for sure…I’ve never knew I can love a baby so much despite the lack of sleep and sanity I feel like I have left. She can sure drive me crazy but every time I stare at her little face, passed out and all drunk from drinking my milk, I can’t help but feel that she can dethrone Jason any day as my favorite person in the world…..it’s definitely a close race.

Jason and I are definitely starting to feel like parents though…..you know you are one when you celebrate over the fact that your daughter pooped, especially if she isn’t going as often as she should be.

Every milestone is precious to us but every little thing that happens to her scares us to death….being parents isn’t an easy job…

It’s been a long week….and a very long stay at the hospital….one that also made me cry and doubt myself as a mother….

But we are home now and a new set of worries are driving me crazy….main one being whether or not my breastmilk is enough for Ellie….

So tired and so scared of being home alone with her without Jason around. When she cries….I just don’t know what to do….so glad my mom and grandmother are coming soon….

Almost time for another feeding….feeling so exhausted right now but happy….very, very happy…

One of my favorite moments when we were at the hospital…

More later….maybe….

The longer they keep us at the hospital, the more it feels like being in a fancy prison. I just want to go home…

Posted via email from myorii’s posterous

Posted via email from myorii’s posterous